posted by PInow.com Staff | December 5th, 2007

Timothy and Sadie Shirley have only a few photos and wrenching memories left of little Adrianna, a child they have not seen for going on two years.

Theirs is a family torn by one of life’s toughest outcomes of a soured relationship — a fight over custody that in the Shirleys’ case has led to a daughter’s disappearance.

The Shirleys have accused “Crystal” Amethyst Tabor, Timothy’s ex-girlfriend and mother of 4-year-old Adrianna Shirley, of taking the child to Colorado and then disappearing.

They consider what has happened with Adrianna to be a parental abduction, a term used by thousands of parents of missing children and their advocates. But the couple has no law on their side.

With no court custody order, Timothy Shirley shares parental rights with his former girlfriend, according to the law.

“If it’s her child,” said Macon County Sheriff Robby Holland, “she can take it wherever, if there’s no custody agreement. Both parents, in this case, would have had legal rights.”

The Shirleys say they don’t have the money it would take to hire attorneys needed to get their case to court, and little other means of finding Adrianna.

“We hired online detectives, looked for family members and did research on the computer,” Timothy Shirley said.

Many people assume when a child goes missing that they are victims of abductions by strangers. Such is rarely the case.

According to a U.S. Department of Justice study, 98.7 percent of all kidnappings involve one of the child’s parents. The N.C. Center of Missing Persons shows 33 cases involving parental abduction for 2006. That doesn’t mean there weren’t more. Not all cases are filed at this level, a spokesperson with the N.C. Center for Missing Persons said, and many are settled through local law enforcement agencies.

The Citizen-Times tried repeatedly to find Amethyst Tabor through a phone number, which was disconnected, Internet searches, missing children’s organizations and through family members.
Little girl gone

Adrianna lived mostly with Timothy Shirley until she was 2 1/2 and her mother remarried. Shirley called his little girl the joy of his life.
He’s worked as a carpenter since he was 16, and was 21 when she was born. He had to learn how to be a father the way one learns a new trade, he said.

Shirley, stepmother to the missing child, said her husband has his flaws, including a criminal history for not paying child support.
Those and other issues could have played a role in why the woman who goes by Crystal or Amethyst Tabor left with their daughter. The family believes she is most likely living somewhere in Colorado.

While the child’s mother hasn’t broken the law, legal rights don’t add up to moral rights, said Marianne Malky, founder of Voice for the Children, a nonprofit children’s advocacy and counseling organization based in West Palm Beach, Fla. The group’s mission is to help find missing children — in particular, those taken by noncustodial parents.

Revenge is often a motive in these cases, Holland said.

“Parents use children as pawns against each other,” he said. “In order to hurt you, I’m going to take what you love so much. It’s awful, so bad for the child.”

The Shirleys, like other families in the same situation, know the price of this pain.

Little help from the law

Tabor announced she was moving to Colorado on Feb. 13, 2006, Sadie Shirley said. “She said there were better school opportunities for her and that she didn’t need Tim’s permission to leave.”

From a legal aspect, according to Brian Welch, staff attorney for the Macon County Sheriff’s Office, both biological parents have an equal right to custody, absent a court order.

“If the child is with a parent who is not violating a court order, then the child is not missing and the other parent would not have a ‘right’ to file a missing person report.”

The only recourse, Welch said, is for Shirley to file a civil action for custody and visitation. Shirley has not done this, citing the expense it would incur.

Carol Andre, an Asheville attorney in family law, agrees with Welch.

“File a complaint and pay a good private investigator, to get the other person served,” Andre said.
Once the party is found, then served, the law looks unfavorably on these actions of vanishing, said Marsha Stone, another Asheville family law attorney.

“She’s going to have a terrible burden explaining why she kept her child away from him,” Stone said.
This is a source of outrage for Malky, whose son went missing for more than 30 years. She spent decades and more than $100,000 trying to find him.

“I went to many and all measures to find my son,” she said. “Legislators, local and regional police, FBI — it’s endless. All agencies and departments of this government told me my child was not abducted. I was told it was a civil matter.”

Malky was eventually reunited with her son. She was a stranger to him by then.

The Shirleys are just one of the many hundreds of families she’s worked with through Voice of the Children.

The search

One of the biggest signs and indicators of a parent taking a child away from the other parent is announcing a big move.

When Adrianna’s mother said she was going to Colorado, the Shirleys didn’t like it, but figured they’d at least have visitation.

“She left on Feb. 14, Valentine’s Day 2006, and said once she got settled she’d call us about visitation,” Sadie Shirley said. Time passed and the family hit hard times, both emotionally and financially. With Shirley’s four children from a previous marriage, she and her husband had trouble making ends meet.

Three times Timothy Shirley was jailed for not paying child support, which is about $250 a month. The money goes to the North Carolina Child Support Centralized Collections and not Tabor’s address.

Since then, he’s gotten two jobs and strives each month to make the payment, he said. The family is trying to get enough money to hire a lawyer, something they wouldn’t have to do if their daughter had been taken by a stranger.

All too often, the lack of money keeps many families from fighting, Malky said. “They lose not only the memories they will over time have built with their children, but most children forget the absent parent within a year or two.”

That’s what makes time even more crucial.

“We have consulted with lawyers,” Sadie Shirley said. “We have sought help through many places, and everyone says the same thing. Get a lawyer. It would cost us thousands of dollars and we’re barely making it.”

She is terrified, she said, having watched her husband sink into depression.

“He didn’t leave that child’s side,” she said. “He’s really grown up and is wonderful to my four kids.”

Timothy Shirley said his depression has turned to anger at a system that will arrest him but not help him locate his child.

“It seems like they have every way of tracking down those who owe them money, but no way of tracking down anyone else,” he said.
But family lawyers Andre and Stone said the issue of not paying child support a few times has nothing to do with custody.

“It just so reflects badly on the father who doesn’t keep up immaculately,” Sadie Shirley said.

The trail grows cold

The Shirleys are not the only ones who say they are suffering because of Amethyst Tabor’s disappearance.

Another family member says the woman did the same thing to their grandchild, 3-year-old Opal, who was Tabor’s daughter and Adrianna’s half-sister.

“It bothers me considerably,” said David Tabor of Bryson City. He’s Amethyst Tabor’s father-in-law. “We were real close. Adrianna and Opal both stayed here as much as they stayed at home. I think about them every day.”

David Tabor said he lost touch with his daughter-in-law about the same time the Shirleys did.

“I had her phone number for a while, and then she just left and nobody knows where she’s at,” Tabor said. He is considering hiring a private investigator.

“If I had the money,” he said, “I might could find her.”

Meanwhile, the Shirleys keep chasing leads, coming up with nothing but disconnected phone numbers and changes of addresses.

“We don’t know if Adrianna is OK, or if she needs anything,” Sadie Shirley said. “It’s kind of a very hopeless feeling.” She has done research and knows there are some parents who live 10, 20, 30 years with no word from their children.

Sadie Shirley wonders: Will the girl remember them? Will she know she had a father who loves her?

“I’m not going to give up,” Timothy Shirley said. “I want to see her and spend as much time with her as possible.”

FIGHTING AGAINST IDENTITY THEFT

COMMON WAYS ID THEFT HAPPENS:

Skilled identity thieves use a variety of methods to steal your personal information, including:

1. Dumpster Diving. They rummage through trash looking for bills or other paper with your personal information on it.
2. Skimming. They steal credit/debit card numbers by using a special storage device when processing your card.
3. Phishing. They pretend to be financial institutions or companies and send spam or pop-up messages to get you to reveal your personal information.
4. Changing Your Address. They divert your billing statements to another location by completing a “change of address” form.
5. “Old-Fashioned” Stealing. They steal wallets and purses; mail, including bank and credit card statements; pre-approved credit offers; and new checks or tax information. They steal personnel records from their employers, or bribe employees who have access.

DETER

Identity theft is a serious crime. It occurs when your personal information is stolen and used without your knowledge to commit fraud or other crimes. Identity theft can cost you time and money. It can destroy your credit and ruin your good name.

Deter identity thieves by safeguarding your information.

• Shred financial documents and paperwork with personal information before you discard them.
• Protect your Social Security number. Don’t carry your Social Security card in your wallet or write your Social Security number on a check. Give it out only if absolutely necessary or ask to use another identifier.
• Don’t give out personal information on the phone, through the mail, or over the Internet unless you know who you are dealing with.
• Never click on links sent in unsolicited emails; instead, type in a web address you know. Use firewalls, anti-spyware, and anti-virus software to protect your home computer; keep them up-to-date. Visit OnGuardOnline.gov for more information.
• Don’t use an obvious password like your birth date, your mother’s maiden name, or the last four digits of your Social Security number.
• Keep your personal information in a secure place at home, especially if you have roommates, employ outside help, or are having work done in your house.

DETECT

Detect suspicious activity by routinely monitoring your financial accounts and billing statements.

Be alert to signs that require immediate attention:

• Bills that do not arrive as expected
• Unexpected credit cards or account statements
• Denials of credit for no apparent reason
• Calls or letters about purchases you did not make

Inspect:

• Your credit report. Credit reports contain information about you, including what accounts you have and your bill paying history.
  • The law requires the major nationwide consumer reporting companies—Equifax, Experian, and TransUnion—to give you a free copy of your credit report each year if you ask for it.
  • Visit http://www.AnnualCreditReport.com/ or call 1-877-322-8228, a service created by these three companies, to order your free credit reports each year. You also can write: Annual Credit Report Request Service, P.O. Box 105281, Atlanta, GA 30348-5281.
• Your financial statements. Review financial accounts and billing statements regularly, looking for charges you did not make.

DEFEND

Defend against ID theft as soon as you suspect it.

• Place a “Fraud Alert” on your credit reports, and review the reports carefully. The alert tells creditors to follow certain procedures before they open new accounts in your name or make changes to your existing accounts. The three nationwide consumer reporting companies have toll-free numbers for placing an initial 90-day fraud alert; a call to one company is sufficient:
  • Equifax: 1-800-525-6285
  • Experian: 1-888-EXPERIAN (397-3742)
  • TransUnion: 1-800-680-7289

Placing a fraud alert entitles you to free copies of your credit reports. Look for inquiries from companies you haven’t
contacted, accounts you didn’t open, and debts on your accounts that you can’t explain.

• Close accounts. Close any accounts that have been tampered with or established fraudulently.
  • Call the security or fraud departments of each company where an account was opened or changed without your okay. Follow up in writing, with copies of supporting documents.
  • Use the ID Theft Affidavit at ftc.gov/idtheft to support your written statement.
  • Ask for verification that the disputed account has been closed and the fraudulent debts discharged.
  • Keep copies of documents and records of your conversations about the theft.
• File a police report. File a report with law enforcement officials to help you with creditors who may want proof of the crime.
• Report the theft to the Federal Trade Commission. Your report helps law enforcement officials across the country in their investigations.
  • Online: ftc.gov/idtheft
  • By phone: 1-877-ID-THEFT (438-4338) or TTY, 1-866-653-4261
  • By mail: Identity Theft Clearinghouse, Federal Trade Commission, Washington, DC 20580

To learn more about ID theft and how to deter, detect, and defend against it, visit ftc.gov/idtheft. Or request copies of ID theft resources by writing to:

Consumer Response Center
Federal Trade Commission
600 Pennsylvania Ave., NW, H-130
Washington, DC 20580

The following is a guide to help you determine if your mate is cheating on you. After reading this list you may find there is some area of concern. Do not confront the cheater. This will only cause them to clean up their act and make it more difficult for you to catch them. You may not have enough proof to make your case. I would urge you to seek professional help.

• At the beginning of an affair the mate that is cheating is more attentive to his spouse. This is due to guilt that the cheater may be feeling at the time.
• After the affair has been going on for a while the person cheating seems to find fault with the person he/she may be living with to try to justify the affair in their mind.
• Cheating spouses may lose attention in the activities in the home. They don’t show interest in the livelihood of you or the children that live in the home. Nor do they have any desires to do any fix-ups to the home (i.e. lawn care, house repairs, etc…..)
• Intuition (gut feeling) that something is not right usually is a sign you may have a cheating problem “when in doubt check them out”.
• Cheaters may have a change in sex life (i.e. more sex, less sex) as well as unexplained sexual requests.  
• The cheater has a definite change in attitude towards everyone in the home, especially the mate (i.e. if he/she didn’t act the way they do, well then maybe I wouldn’t be doing the things I do).
• Another sign is “Finances”. “If someone wants to play they have to pay” therefore keeping an eye on their monies (i.e. check stubs, bank account balances, credit card bills, etc…) would tell you whether their spending more money than usual.
• Grooming habits will change. Cheaters will be more attentive to their person (e.i. the way they dress, frequent bathing, physical fitness, grooming of their hair, switching of colognes, etc…).
• Physical signs to look for to determine whether or not someone is having an affair is lipstick on the collar, odors of cologne/perfume on a shirt/blouse, checking underwear for secretion stains. You can also check their wallets and/or the glove compartments of their car to see if they left receipts, pieces of paper with phone numbers, addresses, condoms, etc.
• You may want to monitor your spouse for two weeks. During this time keep track of the mileage on their car. Monitor the time they leave for work and the time they come home. Keep a calendar and note the times, this should help you establish a pattern. If your mate claims to be working late, check paycheck stubs to verify this overtime.
• Be tuned in to home telephone calls when your mate has a tendency to whisper or gives a quick answer and immediately hangs up or when you answer the telephone and get an abrupt hang up.
• Many cheaters use cellular telephones to communicate with their lovers. Should your mate have a cellular telephone you may want to get a detailed billing of the calls made from the cellular phone to determine whether a certain number has been frequently called. A good area to start looking is for the first number called when your mate first leaves for work and the same number called again right before they return home.
• Female cheaters are more discreet in the selection of a lover. This is most likely because of their concern of Sexually Transmitted Disease’s (STD’s). Most females are looking for a longer lasting relationship rather than a “one night stand”. In past years men were the aggressors, in society today, with the increase of women in the work force, women have become equally aggressive and some do look for “Just a Friend” as they will call him.
• When a female is having an affair she tends to have more of a “glow” about her. She may also become easily irritated with her spouse and children a lot more than usual.
• If in the work field, work will all of a sudden become more important and will have to work more often and stay out late nights.

If you suspect your spouse or mate is cheating seek professional help. It could wind up being the best investment you ever make!

When does midlife begin?

Women like men can’t tell if they’ve entered a midlife transition by counting the number of candles on a cake. Reaching a certain age that ends in zero is not as accurate a predictor of transition as experiencing your first jolt of awareness that time is passing. If you’ve purchased your first pair of reading glasses, plucked a dark chin hair, launched your child into adulthood, or witnessed your parents’ health decline, you’ve already received your wake-up call.

While forty typically represents the beginning of midlife, stressful life events - death of a parent or family member, divorce, loss of job, career change, significant personal illness, or early onset of menopause - may initiate the transition process in some cases as early as mid- to late-thirties. On the other hand, they may be in their fifties and believe they’ve successfully avoided the process completely simply because they’ve failed to recognize what’s happened.

Midlife may be denied, but not escaped. It’s a biological inevitability to grow and enter the next stage of development. Like adolescence, midlife transition is a period of getting a sense of who they are and establishing their identity. Just as adolescence transforms a child to an adult, midlife transforms the person they think they are to the person they believe were meant to be.

Frequently, a midlife crisis is brought on by their internal feelings of discontentment. It’s a reaction to the fear of losing youth - their “last chance” for happiness. They wake up one morning with a profound feeling of emptiness inside, haunted by a vague sense that something is missing in their lives. Suddenly they’re bored with what used to interest them and dissatisfied by their present relationships or in their chosen roles in life. It’s not uncommon for them to feel depressed, lost and confused. Just knowing that this is normal can help you stay sane.

Transition, according to Webster’s Dictionary, is “a passage from one stage to another, whether gradual or abrupt.” Transition by its very nature involves change, and change can be difficult. Change, even by choice, turns the familiar into the unfamiliar, resulting in feelings of fear and inadequacy as they enter unknown territory.

For many women, the transition to midlife is a period of confusion and uncertainty. About the time they think their development is coming to an end, they find themselves embarking on a totally unexpected journey of growth and change. Although a normal part of maturing, midlife represents distinctive adjustments for women:

• Losing their sense of purpose - feeling perplexed about the meaning of their life

• Shifting parental responsibilities as children are launched or need less attention

• Awareness that their beginning to show signs of aging

• Concern about approaching menopause and how it will affect their life

• Behaving completely out-of-character - feeling like a stranger to themselves

• Bewilderment over a “crush” they’ve developed on someone not even their type even though their married or in a longtime relationship

• Neglected talents demanding to be expressed - dreams and desires reemerging

• Boredom with activities that previously held great interest and dominated your life

• Caring for aging parents - discovering the roles are suddenly reversed

• Biological clock ticking - wondering if it’s too late to start a family

• Questioning the accuracy of assumptions made years ago about God and faith

Embracing life requires the courage to face fears, change habits that perpetuate the lives they have, and acknowledge the dreams they’ve kept suppressed. You probably know several women who have taken considerable risks in order to lead more authentic lives: perhaps someone who turned down a promotion to have more time with her family, forfeited a steady income to launch a new business, started a family after forty, earned a college degree in midlife, or took early retirement in order to volunteer full-time.

At forty, they may be a grandmother or may have just had their first child. If they are in their twenties and thirties were spent raising a family or developing a career - or maybe struggling to manage both - they suddenly discover that they’re longing to do all the things they had to postpone for the sake of their children or work.

But like some men, some women cannot control their urge to change, and this change sometimes is extremely hurtful to her present family, husband or longtime companion. Women like men, sometime look to someone else for understanding and this leads to a relationship that the women believes is what she has been missing. In her mind, this has happen to help her find herself.

The “His and Her” midlife crisis was put together to help anyone who needs a little help understanding what a midlife crisis is. It’s very different in men and women but for all men it’s almost always the same signs as it is for most all women. I researched this information from different sources on the internet and found this to be very informative. God Bless and I hope this helps!

You are in a committed relationship, married or involved on an exclusive basis. You thought everything was glorious. Or, at least as glorious as it gets—all relationships have some rough spots.

It seems that you are always fighting. Or he just doesn’t act like himself anymore. He doesn’t like his job. He wants to sell the house and get a little place in the mountains or a sailboat and sail to the islands. You’re too fat or too thin or too short or too tall. He doesn’t like being home. He wants a sportier car. He changes his hair style, starts a diet and joins the local gym. He says his clothes are too old for him. He says you and he have grown apart. He needs time to think about ‘things.’ He wants space. He wants something but he doesn’t know what. He wants a divorce.

If he’s between the ages of 40 and 60 (give or take a few years), your man is blazing a trail through male midlife — he’s having a crisis.

We’re not talking about the man who has always been a womanizer, a schemer or generally not the nicest person in the world. We are talking about the man who has up to this point assumed responsibility and been the person you could depend upon in time of need.

What you must keep in mind is that he really doesn’t understand what he’s doing; he isn’t deliberately hurting you he just knows that something is wrong in his life and he’s searching for the answers.

Of course you’re sitting there saying, “Whoa! I’m supposed to just be quiet and tolerate his forays into other-woman-land and let’s-junk-it-all-and-sail-around-the-world-land or ditch-the-station-wagon-I-need-a-red-sports-car-land?” Well, yes. Of course you do have options here. You can rage and make demands that he clean up his act. And probably shortly thereafter you’ll find yourself in divorce-land.

You see, men don’t plan on turning unpredictable. It happens when they look in the mirror or in the eyes of their grandchildren and see themselves as old men. They have, up to this point, believed they were 25-year-old boys. One mid-50’s midlife graduate says it made him a better person. He remains with his original wife and their relationship has been redefined to better meet his needs. He has his space and a home in the country that allows him to “entertain” when he feels the need and she has her space and their home in the city that allows her a place to pound on the walls and scream when she feels the urge. Another mid-50’s graduate traded the pressures of family, home and business to drive a camper cross country supporting himself by doing odd jobs. The wife of a mid-60’s executive still waits for a long term affair with his much younger mistress to end but with each passing year she cares less and her community involvement grows.

Male midlife crisis devours relationships. It may be devouring yours. What you must understand and believe is that no matter what you do, or don’t do, the outcome will be the same. You do not have control over him, only yourself.

He might not be alone on this search, but you probably weren’t invited, and you probably wouldn’t have been regardless of the circumstances. You may be part of the problem as he sees it. You don’t understand how could you? He may have met someone else who seems to understand him perfectly, or reaffirms his youthfulness (as with the mid-60’s executive, above). But how could anyone understand him when he doesn’t understand himself? He’s in an emotional storm that will test the patience and endurance of all those who love him as he comes to grips with the fact that he is no longer 25. He will hurt you. He doesn’t mean to hurt you, but he will hurt you.

It’s a punch right between the eyes when he suddenly realizes that he is getting older. There’s so much he hasn’t done. Time is running out. He can’t keep up this stress of being husband, father, and breadwinner! He’s getting older — his hair is thinning, his waist is thickening, his muscles are flabby, his face is wrinkling, he has a t-shirt with little hand prints and ‘we love you, gramps’ in childish scrawl. He is feeling emotions he’s never felt before. And occasionally he is impotent. It’s just too much!! He can’t handle it! He doesn’t want to be an old man!! Sometimes referred to as ‘male menopause,’ male midlife crisis is not nice for any of the players involved. It is difficult to say who hurts more, him or you.

Should you try to wait for this crisis to end, for your lives to return to where they used to be? It might take the patience of Job and the result may still not be the one you want. He will do what he must do when he must do it. Once he has made his passage he will not be the same. He is at a major turning point in his life, a normal part of the male maturing process that, should he be successful in navigating through the storms, will help him lead a fuller and more satisfying life, accepting the normal limitations inherent with the aging process.

Some men aren’t successful in the passage. Suicide rates increase for men as they age. Suicide offers the promise of release from seemingly unbearable emotional pain. Women know how to express their emotions, whereas men are taught to hold their emotions back, to ‘act like a man!’ For some, suicide is the only way to suppress the emotional pain associated with the midlife passage.

You need to be aware of what’s happening to your man. Being aware will make you less apt to blame yourself for the things going wrong. He will be blaming you as it is, because he knows he’s not at fault.

There’s not much you can do to speed up his passage through this crisis in your lives. He probably doesn’t want to talk about it, at least not to you. He may believe that you’re the whole reason he feels the way he does. It’s not true.

You need to understand that this is his problem, it will have to be his solution—what he’s going through is normal and you are not responsible. You can’t change it or fix it because you didn’t break it.

You will have to step back and let him whirl around in his search to find himself. He has a need to blame someone for the bad feelings he has, for the terrible way he’s acting, for the lousy way he feels. Don’t believe it if he says everything wrong in his life is because of you. And don’t try to explain his feelings to him because you can’t and he won’t listen.

There’s no doubt men and women are quite different in how they handle emotional situations and midlife is one of the most notable examples.

As a female, you have been trained to take care of other people, to be responsible for their well-being, to make things run smoothly. You have been taught when relationships don’t go well it is your responsibility to correct the situation. You look inside yourself for the answers. In the case of his midlife crisis, you won’t be able to correct the situation—the answers must come from him. You cannot change his behavior, he must. If you think you can change his behavior by changing yourself, you are in for a lot of anger and disappointment. This issue is not about you, it is all about him.

Men are expected to hide their emotions but that doesn’t mean the emotions don’t exist—they’re buried deep in the recesses of how ‘real men’ act. Men and women are from the same planet, no matter how alien the male of the species seems when he’s plowing through his midlife crisis. When you get angry it is okay for you to express that anger but “society” says he must be in control no matter the situation. Because he appears in control of his emotions it is easy to believe that he is unfeeling but even the most grown-up men sometimes have a need to cry. Unfortunately, it’s just not allowed.Society measures the worth and success of a man by how much money he has and makes. If he isn’t making the kind of money he thinks he should, he will be angry at the obstacles he believes are standing in his way. He may believe his family responsibilities are holding him back.He needs more affection now and may reach out to you. If you respond with surprise or rejection because you don’t understand this new behavior, he may find the affection and affirmation of his desirability in the arms of a girlfriend. Nothing personal, you understand, he doesn’t know what he’s doing. And he certainly doesn’t mean to hurt you. During midlife crisis a man will do many things he wouldn’t have done before.He’s scared of dying. His friends may be developing illnesses, some may have already died. He’s afraid. He’s resentful, frustrated and depressed. He feels trapped by his responsibility to provide for his family. He’s locked into a job or career that he no longer enjoys because he must keep the kids in college and make payments on the house and car.